I’m always just going to be a girl looking for love, searching endlessly for that connection. It’s been so long since I’ve felt it, I’m afraid the feeling is lost to me forever.
My first love, my only love, my last love promised me the world
In my life, only one boy has ever told me he loves me, and I’ve only told one boy ever that I loved him. Maybe I was childish then but I had that experience at a time in my life that I still believed there was some sort of magic in the world, that soul mates had existed, and that I had found mine after searching for so long. Magic had brought this wonderful man into my world, and he wasn’t perfect and bit broken, but I saw everything this man could be, he was beautiful inside and out. He had accepted me for who I was and I accepted him. I was deeply madly in love.
But it didn’t last…. because it wasn’t supposed to. And it was hard, and my heart cried for him every day for more than half a year. I had become so thin from sadness, it was hard to eat without being sick. The day I grew numb from everything was when I received an email from Ani, threatening me and telling me all the plans for their future. A future that was once mine. I hadn’t been special to him at all.
I always get crap for saying I wish him the best, always defend him, and always want him to be happy even if he wasn’t standing by my side. I selflessly loved him, maybe that’s another word for stupidly.
Since then, there’s only been one boy that was able to pick up all the pieces of my heart off the floor. One that was able to make me completely forget the past year of wanting someone I could never have again. With him I was able to laugh again at everything. But I wasn’t perfect, and I made mistakes; so it didn’t last.
I wasn’t in love but with all my heart I did believe that it could have led to it.
These two boys will never know just how much they mean to me. These two boys will never take a second glance at me.
And all I can do is wonder if I’ll ever find anything like these feelings again. And if it’s asking too much of the world to throw a little magic at me just one more time, but asking such a thing sounds incredibly selfish, because there are so many people who could use some magic themselves and who would not have wasted their chances as I have.